Woolwich already had four terrible kebab takeaways. Now it has a fifth.

There’s a crusty old saying that doing the same thing repeatedly and expecting a different result is the very definition of madness. The countless words spewed onto this website over the past decade or so may well be an example of this. Woolwich’s unthinking love affair with subpar kebab eateries probably counts too.

Prior to 2023, at least four purveyors of meat tornados did business in this corner of south east London. That now includes the cheekily unimaginative weasels that have taken over the name and premises (but sadly not the decor) of the dearly departed Eritrean restaurant Blue Nile. No locale, with the possible exception of places with stadia and sticky-floored night clubs, needs that many purveyors of drearily grey lamb meat manhandled into an oversized pitta.

Except German Doner Kebab doesn’t serve lamb, with beef as the main protein of choice instead. The bovine flesh is marketed as ‘lean’; such needless anhedonic puffery is one reason why the kebabs here are so unconvincing. Stripped of fat’s flavour-giving qualities, the shreds of beef were consistently, exquisitely and relentlessly bland – even more depressingly drab than bingo night in a morgue. Unlike many morgue inhabitants, the beef did at least have the decency to be moist.

One of the many joys to be had at a proper kebab joint is the bread, but German Doner Kebab managed to stuff this up too. The trademark waffle-lookalike bread, while vaguely like sheafs off a Turkish round, had all the appeal of the stale, heavy crumbs reserved for pigeons. The purple-hued ‘coco’ variant was lighter, puffier and lightly sweet. But let’s face it, the colour is it’s raison d’etre – to appeal to children and anyone else simple enough to be fooled by bright primary colours and simple geometric shapes.

The papery panini was fit less for human consumption and more for wrapping-up a brick to be thrown through a window belonging to your worst enemy. The durum wrap was the least incompetent member of the carbohydrate cast, with a mildly stiff initial bite giving way to a soft follow through.

The oddly-coiled quesadilla used a floppy wheat flour tortilla which, while small, was at least edible. Enveloped within was thin, watery cheese that tried in vain to enliven the languidly insipid beef.

The Berliner Strasse is basically a rolled-up lamachun topped with doner, cheese and fries instead of the usual toppings. Except all that extraneous effort lead to vanishingly little pay off. The carb layer was suspiciously similar to the durum wrap. The absence of the usual mince was keenly felt given the waste-of-space doner. This, combined with the watery tomatoes, added up to a fatal lack of moreishness. The lemon and parsley sauce was more aspiration than reality. Without any extant parsley, the lack of herbal crispness and aroma was noticeable. Although the cheese was barely any better than the gunk gracing the quesadilla, it (along with the fluffy fries) had just about enough dairy fat to make this whole affair vaguely edible.

Surprisingly, the spring rolls proved to be enjoyably quaffable. The pastry was crispy and not too oily. The beef version had the fattiness that the doner dishes so desperately needed, while there was even a hint of chilli spice thanks to sliced jalapenos. The chicken variant was, unsurprisingly, a waste of time and calories given the predictably pale and paltry poultry.

The Verdict

Perhaps the market research peeps at the eyebrow-raisingly named German Doner Kebab are onto something. Open a brightly lit parlour with ample seating and low prices for a vaguely ‘different’ yet ultimately familiar menu, and people will come – no matter how crowded the market, how shockingly low and cynical the quality of what’s actually on offer. German Doner Kebab is still madness, but in a lunatic bin where you get ahead by pandering to low expectations, the maddest inmate becomes king.

What to order: The beef spring rolls

What to skip: almost everything else

Name: German Doner Kebab

Address: 60 Powis Street, Woolwich, London SE18 6LQ

Phone: none listed

Web: https://www.germandonerkebab.com/german-doner-kebab-store-locations/uk

Opening Hours: seven days a week 11.00-23.00. 

Reservations? not taken.

Average cost for one person: £10-15 approx.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆